After Bizarre Incident, Auburn, Maine, Residents Reminded Not to Kiss Wild Raccoons

Residents of Auburn, Maine (and anywhere else), I have an urgent message for you: try not to kiss (yes kiss) a stranger’s pet raccoon.

Auburn officials were forced to hand down this edict last week when a woman entered a Petco with the raccoon hoping to get its nails clipped. Alas, “raccoonicures” are not offered at Petco.

But that didn’t stop several other customers from handling the raccoon, according to WMUR. And yes, some even decided to kiss the animal. The store’s manager eventually asked the woman to leave, and alerted the Maine Warden Service and Maine Centers for Disease Control.

Thankfully, the raccoon tested negative for rabies, and people who touched it don’t need to seek treatment. In addition to striking out on the nail-trimming, the woman is facing further troubles, as it is illegal to own a raccoon in Maine.

But I keep coming back to the other people involved in all of this. Here we are, less than two years removed from a pandemic, and you’re not only handling, but kissing a raccoon.

So, in case you’re ever at a Petco and someone brings in their pet raccoon, here are Eight Great Things to Ask Yourself Before Kissing a Raccoon:

• Did I gargle?
• Will it take things slow, or want me to move into its garbage can?
• Is it too soon to book a weekend getaway in a chimney?
• What if I meet a cuter raccoon?
• Will it want kids?
• Should I get tested after kissing the raccoon?
• Should the raccoon get tested after kissing me?
• When do I confess that I ran over its cousin?