To the Bowdoin College Student in Brunswick, Maine – I’m Sorry, I’m a Jerk
I'm a jerk. I'm a massive jerk. Like I literally felt like the worst human being the second this happened, and I'm not even sure if you realized it did.
But either way, I'm SO sorry.
Let me run it back for you real quick, because you might've opened this apology letter and not even realized that it's to you, but I want to make sure you know that this is to you and I'm owning my sucktasticness wholeheartedly.
It was late Saturday morning, maybe a couple of minutes before Noon. I was driving in Brunswick on Maine Street pretty much right across from Park Row and the Museum of Art on campus.
You and your friend (a female -- yes, this matters to the story) had just turned off the sidewalk from Maine Street onto McKeen Street just a few seconds before I actually made a turn on the same street.
While I was turning, I looked at you walking side-by-side with your lady friend and literally was saying to myself how much I missed college and walking around campus with friends.
And especially friends that maybe you have a thing for -- the awkward flirting or trying to impress them without looking like an idiot or guaranteeing yourself a one-way ticket to the Friend Zone.
And as a dude that usually looks like an idiot on the regular, I started thinking back to times I was making that similar walk with a female friend, either to class or to the dining hall, and all the times (trust me, there were plenty) I verbally swung, verbally missed, and metaphorically started building an apartment in the Friend Zone.
And just as I started thinking of a time when I was walking on snowy, icy sidewalks on campus with a girl I was friends with and probably had the most massive crush on in my entire college career, I remembered the time I slipped, fell, and ate it right in front of her.
Just flat out flopped around like a fish in front of her trying to get back up.
And I think I somehow pulled some voodoo trickery or something, thinking of all this as I was starting to drive past both of you, because as I was right beside you, out of the corner of my eye I watched as you took a step up a hill, lost your footing, and ate it right in front of your female friend.
The same way I did a few years back in college. And that's when I became the most massive jerk on the face of the planet.
Because I laughed. Loud. With my window open.
Not that you'll believe I wasn't laughing at you anyway, and not that you won't want to find out where I live and what I drive so you can slash my tires for revenge (and I'd deserve it, honestly), but I wasn't laughing at you.
It was one of those awkward in-the-moment laughs that just come out because you can't believe what just happened. The fact that I literally remembered wiping out in front of someone I was trying to impress, and as I just finished that thought, you did the same thing (whether you were trying to impress her or not.)
It was more an awkward laugh out of amazement than enjoyment.
But regardless -- whatever your name is and whoever you are, I hope you're okay and weren't injured, and for what it's worth, I thought it was awesome that as I drove past and looked in my side view mirror, I saw your friend helping you up.
So, if that is something more than a friendship -- hold onto her, because she's a real one. (And honestly, if she laughed at you first and then helped you up, marry her someday because that's unicorn status.)
I'm hoping you didn't hear me laugh, but if you did, and even if you didn't, I'm super sorry. And I hope I eat some bad cheese or something so you can get some kind of sliver of revenge.